my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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