My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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