Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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