What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
