You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
