Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
It's blow job season.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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