I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
