i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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