I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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