Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
