I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
