She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
