I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
