Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i barfeds in our rink
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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