you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
