I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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