So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
