And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Randomize
