if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
All the doctor said was why
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
