so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
