So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
