btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just forgot I was standing up.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
