Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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