i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
