Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
