he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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