Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
