just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
