im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
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