she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
