If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
