Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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