I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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