I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
