Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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