The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Panties = found
Randomize
