Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I deserve this hangover.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
