Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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