I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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