There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
