You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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