I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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