TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize