my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
