he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
