home. puking in laundry basket.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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