The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
