So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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