Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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