So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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