And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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