I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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