i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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