today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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