I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
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